Monday, April 18, 2016

In Theory

It’s the story of the princess in the tower. She is alone. Her world is small. But she has read – her tower is full of books, and she knows that any given hero must build strength in the first arc of the story, in order to pull through in the last.

So she prepares all the ways she knows how, in trust that there will come a day: her hair grows long because she has heard that this is beautiful, and beauty is a kind of power. Practical, she builds her body, inventing routines – whatever will leave her sore the next day and tired this one. She memorizes edibility of plants she imagines, from her window, she can see. She reads still, and paints, and writes, and does everything that - in a tower - can be done. The quest is perfection, the endless refinement of body and soul.

Years pass. She writes treatises, treatments on the human plot, studying the concept of the world. She practices conversation, playing both sides, a student of human interaction. Her hair hangs far down the tower’s stone when she leans it out to tangle and dry. Her body is strong - each muscle toned and lean. There is, of course, more to be done. The outside world is unknown, so it is impossible to be truly prepared. She collects thistle seeds blown in on the wind, spins them, weaves them, creates a cloak so soft and warm that even in winter the tower’s stone seems friendly. Spring and summer, she sings, her voice carrying across the land in unheard arias. Note patterns more complex every year.

Her hair reaches the ground at the base, curling lightly where it brushes the grass. She pulls it in. No use in dirtying the ends. Her tower fills with its gold. Since time is no object, she devotes some months to coiling patterns in between imagining ideal political theory. Stroking one coil absently, she struggles to imagine what she’s read of family structure and how it could possibly reconcile with breaking the patterns of material inheritance that create inequality of class.

For some years, she becomes fascinated with astronomy. Each night, she watches out of her window, marking the motion of celestial bodies. She names the systems of stars she sees, and marks down the precessions in their orbits.

One night, she looks for the edge of the galaxy, but realizes that though the night is clear, she cannot define the pinpoints she sees in the way she once did. She frowns and turns inward again, deciding it is time to go back to botany.

Again, she catches seeds through her window in summer. The autumn winds dry them and blow in dust, which she collects for soil. All winter, she keeps a compost warm, fermenting and breaking down into a bed. Springtime, she plants dandelions and the helicopter seeds of maple.

The dandelions grow quickly, flower, seed, and fade. But the maples, slow to sprout, are still only knee high in a year. Out her window, she marvels at the spreading canopies and wonders at their timeless strength.

As the maples grow, they reach for her window, for the light it brings. She begins to be able to lean against them when she reads. She coils her hair into the branches; it is too heavy on her head and neck.

She sleeps with her head on the trees’ roots, imagining she can hear the life coursing in its veins. The light fades green through the leaves that fill the window now, her silver-gold hair tinsel in the branches.

The roots of the vine maple stretch the mortar as she rests unbreathing. The stones of the roof creak, and the tower grows old. Roots tumble down the tower wall and begin to curl as they reach the ground, and birds sing unheard arias from the tops.

The struggles of the world carry on, families growing, inheriting, as bones slowly fold into the trunk of a maple in the grove. Above, unmarked, starlight moves slowly through the sky.
My woods are dark and deep as night
Small sunlight ventures through the sagging boughs
The sounds are sussurus, but not of leaves;
Of tiny creatures over needled ground
The smell of water rich upon the air
And mossy carpet rises all around

Saturday, March 12, 2016

I just realized
How amazing it is
That at the college I went to
I never felt afraid.
I never felt owned.
I never felt shamed.

I didn't even realize how rare this right could be
That I should feel comfortable being myself
And be in my body.

So often, "permissive" cultures
Are also promiscuous cultures.
A flaunting and overdosing of sexuality
In a sexually repressive culture.
So often, "freedom" is only one kind of freedom at a time.

In college, I could be naked, or scantily clad, around so many people.
People I didn't know that well.
The magical part- the right I assumed was pervasive-
Nobody took it as an invitation.
There was trust, and honesty.
Being naked for me was about sharing trust
Sharing "I am comfortable in my skin"
Just my skin, among fellow trusting strangers.

It wasn't weird.
I know that's what you're thinking, and I hate that I know it
And I hate that I will probably never publish this
Because you will think all the wrong things
Even though the point
Was that nobody should think anything about it.

I feel like I should defend myself, even here, against an imaginary "you".
Say things like "it wasn't even sexual- we were just naked, okay?
Sometimes it's innocent."
Which is still the wrong thing to say-
Sex can be innocent, pure and sweet
But that's not what this is.

This is: freedom.
Freedom from a gaze imagined or real
Love of life as it is, unaltered.
Friendship.
Trust.
Belief.

I'm not sure you'll understand
But I mean the same thing when I say I'm happy to be silly sober
That I don't really want to share your drink or your weed
That it's okay to be yourself without an excuse
That you can get to that same level of euphoria
And that same level of flow
Just by letting go

Of course it's not that simple.

I miss dancing naked in the rain
Unselfconscious

I hate that when I try to share this
Or simply dance how I want to whenever
I hate that I have to make a joke out of it, or you do
Like someone's watching.

I learned, faster than I wanted to, that my beautiful breasts look like welcome
Like it's not enough to share with you my joy in freedom
Or even enough to try to hide myself.
That you, looking at me, see something I never wrote branded across my chest

I learned that barefoot, or naked, or singing out loud, are supposed to be couched in other things
Things that let us make excuses for ourselves

In high school, I learned that people treated me nicely
When I wore a tighter shirt.

Nobody deserves to have to learn that.